Vanity

Perhaps this would better be cataloged under "Tiffany's Epiphanies" but it appears no one reads that as much as this one, so here I go.

As anyone who knows me, knows, I consider myself an artist. At the least, I am artistic. As a child I would draw at home, for me, didn't matter who saw it. As I got older I doodled and decorated my assignments in class, even drawing comic strips and practicing every small block of free time. I did it for one reason. I enjoyed it. Occasionally a classmate would look over and be impressed, or a teacher would smile instead of scold my lack of interest in his or her subject. I would even cover and hide my creations for fear of criticisms and misunderstandings. But I still continued my passion.

I am in between hobbies now. In case you haven't noticed, I start a new a hobby and become enthralled with it, so much so, I think almost of nothing else but how to progress and experiment in the new medium. The ideas keep me up at night, they motivate through the day, and cause me much pride and sense of accomplishment when completed. Then, while I still have lots of supplies and ideas, I just lose interest. That's where I am now. And while I was contemplating "What now?" I had a jarring epiphany. I'm motivated by attention. I have a painting, in my mind's eye, that I desperately want to bring to physical life. I have started it. It sits in my craft/laundry area and waits for me to come back. I see it. I want to finish it, but I hold myself back, because I don't feel I'd ever want to display it in my home. THAT'S the punch in the gut, for me. When did I become motivated by public approval? I was once the kind of person that did what I wanted because I loved doing it, not because I wanted to be recognized as "good" at it. It isn't the subject of the painting that would be uncomfortable. It's the skill I have, rather, lack to have, that would keep it hidden away.

Perhaps if the previous example was the only evidence I wouldn't be worried, but it's not. Tuesday, I requested my husband drive us from store, to store, to store, so I could purchase something new and "nice" for a wedding reception and following dance that night. My definition of "nice" required sparkles, or shine, form fitting and gorgeous color material. My prayer was answered, despite my sinful, vain, motivation. I wanted, attention. I wanted to be "ooohed" and "ahhhhed" over. Praised and marveled at for my skill of painting my face with make-up, burning my hair with an iron, and draping myself with attractive apparel. Again, I got my wish. I was made to feel like Cinderella. I "cleaned up" nice. Recaptured my youth and gained a compliment from near everyone who spoke to me. I feigned modesty, told my friends about my good fortune, that I found the dress at the Goodwill store, and spent a selfish 45 minutes styling my hair. I played it off as just wanting to play dress-up, but secretly wanting to prove to myself, and others I can still be as gorgeous as before. Before the sleepless nights, the stained clothes. Before, I traded cute for comfort and Cosmo for Family Circle.

So, I'm vain. I think of how to post my work to Facebook before a project is totally finished. I do nothing if I can't imagine getting admired for it in the future. My canvases stay blank until I feel confident enough to create a masterpiece, or at least unfinished until I get over my vanity.

Anti-Social

I should be in bed. Logically, I know I should be asleep in bed, but I just don't want to sleep. I don't know what's wrong. I don't feel right. I haven't felt like myself in a week, maybe even more, all the days run together in my reality. For almost 6 weeks straight I was busy, happy, socially at ease... mostly. This week, I've avoided, and out right canceled social engagements with little to no reason.
I thought it was because I was sick the end of last week, but the physical symptoms from that have been gone for days. My medication hasn't changed in a any way. But something is off. I try to pray, read the scriptures, prepare my lessons, plan FHE, teach the kids about God and Christ. But I just don't feel the same. It's not boredom, but I do feel disinterested, like something's missing. And I'm not talking about a baby this time. No, I feel like a part of ME is missing. I've lost my patience, my zeal, my confidence? Ugh, I don't know. But it's frustrating me, and permeating all areas of my thoughts and actions. I almost feel like I'm on auto-pilot. Going through the motions to just get through the day.
I'm leaning towards taking a break from "church" for a little while even. Which is SO drastic to everything I've worked for and become the past 18 months. I feel [today, here and now] like I want to just walk away. More like hide away, really. Nothing major has changed. No one has offended me. I haven't found fault in the Church or it's teachings. I haven't even lost faith in God's love and protection over me. I'm just ________. Exactly that. I'm just blank. While trying to come up with a word to fit my current mental state, the most fitting choice is "blank".

Sorry, I meant to be all happy and positive to let everyone know I'm OK after sharing such a dreadful experience in my post from weeks ago. While the truth is, I am doing OK. I'm not back to myself... yet. After all, my mood changes by the day...however this "day" has lasted unusually long this time. I'm ready for the sun to set on it and welcome a bright sunrise tomorrow.

can't be resurected.

my computer. my companion. my escape. ever since evey spilled water on it andrew said he thought he could fix it. it was just the power supply, probably. well, it wasn't. my desktop, where my best ever toy; Photoshop, resided between it's microchips and circuit boards, is dead. i never got my hopes too far up about it, but I won't lie and say I felt nothing after that power supply was switched out for the new one and all put back together and push the power button aaaaannd... nothing.
I'm dealing. I'm gonna be OK.

Halloween night

Church dress & Halloween

Something Positive!

Because not everyone I know and love has a facebook account I realized I should give an update from my last emo-type post.

The story of the Three Hats and Goldilocks [aka me]

I took up crochet and made hats! Bugg's was the first I made, and he has an extra large cranium for a baby [16 inches at BIRTH!!] so his is a tidge too snug.

Then I made Andrew's [the one i'm modeling] and it's a bit too big.

Then I made Evey's and it was juuuuust right!!

When you're up, you're up, and when you're down... you want to slit your wrists with a kitchen knife

Bipolar, hormones, the devil, bad timing; one, two, all or none of these things may be to blame for yesterday's events. I thought I was past all the suicidal thoughts and worthless, not good enough to be alive feelings, but yesterday proves I'm not. It was really sudden and really bad. At least when I had these thoughts and breakdowns regular I wasn't caught so off guard. I had an episode a couple of weeks ago that was triggered by one phone call from a stranger, but suicidal thoughts were quickly pushed away. But Thursday and yesterday were little things building up and then one more thing broke the camel's back, and my heart. I'm not sure when it started, I knew I was feeling less and less competent and successful in my projects, mothering, house-wifely duties and social experiences. I'm used to my forgetfulness, inability to concentrate, and my general human-ness that I have to let go and not let it get me down. But when these things happen all at once, over and over, and the elements I listed before come into play, it's the perfect concoction for a hurricane of my heart and mind. Majority of my days, I'm happy. VERY happy. I feel very blessed, loved, and all over good about myself. I mess up, try to figure out what went wrong and try to do better next time. Yesterday I just reached a point when that wasn't working anymore. I rationalized that I wasn't any better or closer to being better than the way I felt as an abandoned child by my dad and most times, my mom. My heart was broken. I couldn't see anything I did as good enough. I saw myself as danger to my children because I forget to put away scissors and craft supplies, even knives after using them, often, and though Andrew reminds me over and over again I keep doing it. There are many more things that I won't list, but some are worse, and some are petty, all together they brought me standing over the silverware drawer fighting the urge to cut my wrists. I had already made red welts from using my thumbnails to slice the insides vertically. I hated myself so much for failing to be who I wanted to be, for trying so darn hard and falling so short of my self made mark. But even though I went so far as to press the cold edge of the chef's knife to my skin, I thought of Evey. I have seen enough Hollywood movies to know that a child who finds a parent after attempting suicide appears worse than if the parent had stuck around. I had a guy friend tell me once that suicide is a most selfish act. I was furious at him. Suicidal thoughts aren't foreign to my imagination. At that time I was just teenager and didn't see how right he was. As a mother of two and seven years later, I agree with his assessment.
It took a long while, a lot of patience and love on my husband's part but I calmed down. Today I'm not euphorically happy like I was a mere 2+ days ago, but I'm not sitting at rock bottom digging my nails into the rock underneath too. If 10 were euphoria and 0 seriously suicidal I would say I'm at a 4 right now. A little numb, a lot of humble, and my feet on the ground.

Project accomplished!

so, it's done, and i'm happy with it. really, really happy! it is a size 4, and it's too big, but i did that on purpose. i just wasn't aware how big it would be. lol. the ruffle is supposed to be 2 inches above her ankles, this actually hits at her ankles. but at least it's not too small! she'll be able to wear it next fall/winter and maybe even the one after that! not too shabby for my first time following a sewing pattern. i had some help from books, and a good friend but i did the work. yep. i'm satisfied with it. now to crochet and beyond! [i'll come back to sewing another day]

Big boy

Pictures will soon follow, but I just wanted to announce that there will be no more gates at the Seavy's house! Edward has learned and practiced climbing down the stairs by sitting on his butt and scooting. We went to a friend's house on Tuesday who had stairs and though there was a gate at the top, there was not one at the bottom, so he was free to climb, but when he got to the top he would fuss for someone to come bring him down. Then as time went by he learned to get down on his own without help or falling. Yesterday morning I decided to try life without the gate and he did so well I didn't have to use it once. He is now free to go upstairs to his room to play, to follow sissy into her room and play, or just climb up and down to show off his new skill. This new milestone has made me all the more aware that I don't have a little baby anymore. =( If I felt it was the right time I would be happy to rectify that. ::sigh:: Financially it is inconceivable... no pun intended. =P

I'm delighted that Bugg is happy and healthy, growing and learning at a fast pace, but I miss my little baby. Those first smiles, tiny fingers, smooth skin, fuzzy hair... yup. I'm a tad bit "baby hungry" But I can assure you, there are NO immediate plans for a new addition until we can afford to support life with three kids... comfortably.

****EDIT: pics are posted*****

Good intentions vs reality

There are many, many, MANY,... ideas that float in and out of my head at any given time of the day. I don't know if that's normal for other people, but it's my constant. The exciting part is getting the idea, planning out the details, and buying what's needed. The almost near impossible part is the action of bringing it to life. I start out with wonderful intentions, and then come up with at least a dozen excuses to put it off, or just never do it. If I do take the risk of starting I may become so frustrated with the results I just quit because it's not going to look as good as I want. Another excuse I find is that the supplies are going to cost more than I had anticipated. If I don't ever start the project it could be from a sudden loss of interest, usually hopping to the next hobby, or the preconceived idea... you're going to fail. I can get so worked up about an idea for my Sunday school class, a family activity, cleaning & organizing the house, a craft, a painting, a project, a social event, the list goes on... but then the anxiety kicks in. I can't help it. I don't know what it stems from, I even realize most times my fear is illogical and has no real basis, but it still happens.
For example, Saturday: I had the opportunity to go out, without the kids or my husband, to enjoy visiting with other moms and ladies... and eat PIE! Did I go? Nope. Why? Every time I thought about being there with the ladies --friends from church, I see every Sunday-- I got that anxious, heart racing-hyperventilating-going to vomit-feeling. It's ridiculous, I know, and I miss out on such good things because of it too. I mentally tested myself to decipher if I was just being lazy by thinking, "If I could snap my fingers and be dressed and there with a delicious pie in hand, would I still feel this way?" and sure enough, I was still feeling nauseated. Illogical! But, I still couldn't make myself go.
But today when I was at church and feeling "up" I opened my mouth and next thing I knew I had committed to plans for a social date. Granted, this will be in her home, our kids will play while we talk sewing and other mommy/wife topics, but I still get a bit anxious when I think on it. Now that I'm out of church and back in my comfort zone [home] I'm thinking, "What did I get myself into?"! If I hadn't already told Evey about our plan I'd be tempted to cancel. As it is, Evey is thrilled to go on the play date, and won't let me get away with chickening out. It's really not because I don't WANT to go. I DO! I really WANTED to attend the event Saturday night, I just have some kind of mental brick wall... I feel like anytime I do make progress with my little, mental hammer I fall back and start rebuilding the wall. Baby steps, right? Yep, baby steps.

[Just a few] Projects

Been a while since I've posted so here are some fun things.
I made Evey a blanket for her birthday... and I loved it so much I made one for the Buggman.
Evey's Nana Wendy created a personalized ... uhm... not sure what it's called really. But it takes each letter from her first name and makes an adorable little poem- Fancy Nancy style! So we like it very much. Then the ballerina picture I created in photoshop and [faux] matted with card stock from my scrap book supplies. The small picture is of Mary teaching a young Jesus to pray. I love it so much, but the larger ones are too expensive, so I bought the small one from deseret books and used a frame from the dollar store.

No use crying over... tomato paste.

Ever heard the [bad] joke about the lady trying to bake a cake? She decided to make a cake but when she got started she realized she was out of flour. So instead of letting it discourage her into not baking she goes to get dressed, walks outside down to the bus stop, gets on the bus, rides to the store, gets her flour, checks out, pays the checker, sits at the bus stop again, gets on, rides back home, put her old clothes back on and goes to finish making the cake and she sees... she's out of eggs too. Well, that's not really funny to me anymore because I did that last night. But it wasn't just a cake, it was dinner. I thought I had done so good planning the menu for the week's dinners but last night when it was time to start cooking I remembered, "Oops. Do I have Ro-tel?" Well, I didn't, but I needed to go get my prescription anyway, so I got dressed and drove to town and got both. When I got back home Andrew went to get another key ingredient from the pantry and discovered we were out of tomato paste too. I lost it. I thought I was a total failure. Forgetting to buy all you need for the week's dinners is such a "rookie" mistake! I've been married for 5 and a half years! you would think I would remember to verify we have all the things needed to make the dinners I planned! But, instead of just laughing about it, I cried. I really cried and didn't think I was going to stop, but Evey came into the kitchen and to keep from upsetting her I got over myself, at least in outwardly appearance.
All this nonsense leads me to believe I should definitely continue to take my medicine. I was close to running out so I began rationing my supply so I could at least have some of it in my system rather than running out and going off "cold turkey" but I have given up the idea I can be well off the medicine and am blessed that my old Dr had a change of heart and called in my regular prescription after all. Now I have an appointment with a local dr scheduled and able to stay medicated until then. God Is Good.

"How's it gonna hurt you?"

It's a question we've all heard, in some form or another, if we try to argue against the controversial issue of late. Gay Marriage. Well, here is your answer. Off the cuff, I can't think of how to patiently get my point across so this video has given me some [verbal] ammunition to defend my view. No, I do not "hate" gay people. I don't believe all gay people are going to hell without any exception. I DO believe that everyone who comes in contact with a child has a potential to leave a positive or negative impression on them. I DO believe that at any age, if you hear something repeated enough you will begin to accept it as truth. I DO believe that by "allowing gay marriage" to pass as a law it will be one of the final steps to dismiss our right to "freedom of religion"

evil water

No, I'm not talking about monsters or spirits. I'm upset that water was spilled on my desk and has killed my poor desktop tower. I could cry. No more photoshop, no more custom settings and colors. No more mouse! I'm grateful Andrew lets me share his laptop, but I miss my desktop. I don't know if it can be fixed or not. Evey spilled water from a bottle when she was playing on my desk, which I'd told her NOT to do for the hundredth time, and it ran down and into the computer. Andrew thinks the power supply might just need replacing and it will work, but that's not definite. Even that can't be done until we find and order the part and then it has to be shipped and then Andrew would have to have time to actually work on it. ='(

Hello to Nobody

I don't know who reads my blog, or if anyone does, but it doesn't matter. I write to have time to clear my head. I post to show myself how much I can do on a good day, or how my ponder-ings can domino into a personal epiphany, or fall randomly without any conclusion at all. I benefit from listing the physical accomplishments because in my old age [25 :P ] I have noticed my learning ability is very dependent on visual stimulants, however in my youth it was more audio related.

Perhaps that is why I enjoy the creative arts more than ever. All my interests are geared towards activities with tangible results. I assume, if learned better by hearing than seeing, I would be more interested in playing music than painting and drawing.

So I will continue writing to nobody. I will read and comment on other blogs to show how they have helped me at that moment. Whether they made me laugh or think or just enter into their world for a time. I appreciate all those that share their thoughts and goals... with nobody.

New pillow

After some photoshopping magic to censor her body [from the pedos], this was the best picture I could come up with. I think she likes it, no?

My Role Model [Revised]

Caroline Ingalls

a.k.a. "Ma"

A very important thing that my previous role model lacked, was faith in God. Ma and Pa both were God- fearing people, and passed that on to their children. If we had more good women in the world like the Caroline Ingalls character, the world would not be the dark and scary place it is now. Where, oh, where did those beautiful values and the "love thy neighbor" attitudes go???

Summer Reading Challenge

When we first moved to this new town we made time to all go to the library together. What a BLESSING! It was the start of a beautiful love affair for me and Evey. Andrew hasn't used his all that much but he doesn't really have time to go. When we got our library cards the clerk also handed us information about the summer reading challenge for kids.I didn't think we would do it at first, but Evey was really excited. Next time we went to the library I asked what the limit for check outs was and she said NONE! I put a limit at 7 books, because I thought that was plenty for 3 weeks, but that rule has flown out the window!

Right now, we have 28 books checked out, and only one of them is for myself. Many are up in her room because that's the easiest place to put them after we read them at bedtime. They will all make their way there before we return them all, but after they first come home they have to go on the third shelf of the bookcase or Edward will GET them! He LOVES books too! Although he is very good with them, for only being 15 months, if he has an accident and one rips a little he will continue to pull because it makes a fun sound!

So the reading program works like this; a bubble is filled for every 15 minutes of reading time. This can be anything from reading a book to her just looking at one on her own. At 6 hours she got a little toy, at 12 hours she got a coupon for a little ice cream

at a local parlor, the 18 and 24 hours are $5 gift cards at Borders Books! I have slacked on keeping up with it and the deadline is next Saturday, so we are going to be reading like crazy until then. Last night Andrew started teaching her to read, and she did well, but she's more interested in writing, so I counted all that time they were working and the time I read to her during the day and before bed.

Fancy "Dancy"

She means, Fancy Nancy, but for whatever reason Evey calls her Fancy Dancy. Fancy Nancy is a series of books we love.Most are the "I Can Read" format, which make for great bedtime books. Nancy is a precocious [that's a fancy word for very mature] little girl that loves to use her extensive vocabulary to describe her affinity for all things fashionable, flashy and... fancy, of course. Sometimes she throws a French word around, but usually just uncommon descriptive words to express herself. After she uses a new word she says, "that's a fancy word for..." I love the whole premise of the books, but what caught MY attention at the library was the colors and illustration, little did I know it was the start of a new friendship for my daughter!

My Role Model

Laura Petrie

I watched 'The Dick Van Dyke Show' on Nick at Nite when I was a preschooler, and thought she was wonderful. Whenever I think about her today, I still think she's wonderful. I remember she wore her house dresses with pearls when sending Rob and Richie off in the morning, then wore her Capri pants so she could dance and entertain her guests at the evening dinner parties. She was a loyal friend, to Millie, though most times Millie caused her troubles. She was patient with her son, Richie, and always met her husband with a kiss. She was gorgeous, intelligent, talented, and funny. I know her character wasn't perfect. She had times she got jealous, worried, over sensitive and fed up, but she always expressed her apology when she realized she was in the wrong. She loved her family, she loved her life, she loved herself!

Bipolar me...

We've celebrated birthdays; we've been sealed in the Boston Temple; we've laughed until we cried and cried until we laughed. We've also moved to a new town! New church, friends, budget, shopping malls... seems everything possible has changed. The one thing that has not changed is our love for our Heavenly Father and each other.

I know more today than the day I got baptized, almost ten years ago, that Christ lives and Heavenly Father is the Master of all things. I have learned more in the past year and a half about myself, my past, and my future than I ever tried to discover as a selfish person. The selfish side is not completely gone. I struggle to leave the computer and go do housework, but I'm better than I was in the past. I'm pleased with the journey I'm on, my destination ahead, and even content with the forks in the road behind me. I still have justification to sit and point out all the things wrong with me and how I wish I was better, but the Spirit of God can't be with us when we are thinking and feeling those things. At times the spirit has been my only defense, a weapon I can't afford to lose.

So, I have even more hobbies and desires than ever before. I don't know if it stems from the bipolar chemicals, and I don't try to figure it out anymore. Whether it is me, the spirit, or the bipolar, it's under control. I have had some frequent restless nights because I can feel my brain buzzing with ideas and linking those ideas to others. I have tried keeping journals by the bed to write things down at night as they come to me but it always upsets me when I read them after a time to sleep. They either don't make sense, or seem not nearly as groundbreaking and wonderful as the night before. I'm still easily discouraged most of the time. If something doesn't work the way I had planned I am easy to drop it and come back to it later. So what is it that keeps me up at night? Most of them, not important to anyone but me, others affect us as a family, and still others are my ponder-ings on the scriptures and the mysteries of God's plan and wisdom. I used to think He was a manipulative God that used humans as his playthings for his entertainment. I guess much like the character Q, on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Of course He is NOT like that. He's not remotely controlling, but as any good parent knows, you have to give your child rules to keep him safe and ultimately happy, and when your child decides to ignore you and eat all the cookies in the cookie jar the child has to endure the tummyache that results from his choice.

Well, this was supposed to be a "fun" post with pictures and descriptions of my latest hobbies and interests, like sewing on my new-to-me 1974 sewing machine, painting with fine art materials, hunting down deals at thrift stores, yard sales and on craigslist. Along with my old favorites; photography, traditional art, and digital art. I haven't done any scrapbooking, which weighs heavy on my conscience because I know a lot of money is tied up in my supplies and I'm not using it. When I think of selling any of it I tell myself, no, one day I WILL start it again.

I took a couple of weeks last month to do nothing but pray and study the scriptures. It was a rejuvenating experience. I still lost my patience with the kids at times, but often I would stop myself and try hard to parent AND keep the spirit close. I did well on days I put forth the effort. After, what I like to call, my "facebook fast" I have noticed most days I don't stand a chance without praying and reading at least a chapter. It helps tremendously that I am a primary teacher now, so I have to study at least for the topic of the week's lesson. Well, I'm about to fall asleep, so here are some pictures of the pillow I made for Bugg yesterday.

It warms me to know that he doesn't know or care that the stitches are crooked, or that the stuffing was the kind for dolls and not pillows so it's a bit lumpy in spots. He does know that his favorite baby blanket is now a big, comfy pillow. And his Mommy made it just for him. Next... Evey's pillow. I felt bad about using all the stuffing for his but I will make it up to her... when we get some wiggle room in the budget at least.