I should be in bed. Logically, I know I should be asleep in bed, but I just don't want to sleep. I don't know what's wrong. I don't feel right. I haven't felt like myself in a week, maybe even more, all the days run together in my reality. For almost 6 weeks straight I was busy, happy, socially at ease... mostly. This week, I've avoided, and out right canceled social engagements with little to no reason.
I thought it was because I was sick the end of last week, but the physical symptoms from that have been gone for days. My medication hasn't changed in a any way. But something is off. I try to pray, read the scriptures, prepare my lessons, plan FHE, teach the kids about God and Christ. But I just don't feel the same. It's not boredom, but I do feel disinterested, like something's missing. And I'm not talking about a baby this time. No, I feel like a part of ME is missing. I've lost my patience, my zeal, my confidence? Ugh, I don't know. But it's frustrating me, and permeating all areas of my thoughts and actions. I almost feel like I'm on auto-pilot. Going through the motions to just get through the day.
I'm leaning towards taking a break from "church" for a little while even. Which is SO drastic to everything I've worked for and become the past 18 months. I feel [today, here and now] like I want to just walk away. More like hide away, really. Nothing major has changed. No one has offended me. I haven't found fault in the Church or it's teachings. I haven't even lost faith in God's love and protection over me. I'm just ________. Exactly that. I'm just blank. While trying to come up with a word to fit my current mental state, the most fitting choice is "blank".
Sorry, I meant to be all happy and positive to let everyone know I'm OK after sharing such a dreadful experience in my post from weeks ago. While the truth is, I am doing OK. I'm not back to myself... yet. After all, my mood changes by the day...however this "day" has lasted unusually long this time. I'm ready for the sun to set on it and welcome a bright sunrise tomorrow.
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