random complaints and thoughts [nothing important]

i think satan is trying to get to me. i feel like i have no energy what so ever. nothing has changed really. but edward has become soooo clingy! i can't even put him in his swing and him go to sleep anymore. that was my saving grace. i could put him in the swing and get things done. now... i'm lucky to get to eat. i usually sit at the computer and have to hold him too. right now he's fussing in his swing and i'm trying to ignore him so he'll get the idea he can't be with me alll the freakin time! it's hard to hear him cry though. but i know, eventually, he'll get so sleepy he won't be able to keep from sleeping. unless he works himself up so much he starts screaming.



i'm sooo very much dreading tomorrow. the very idea makes me want to go back to bed and hide under the covers. i'm still a little scared the dr misdiagnosed and the ultrasound will show cancer. but the part that i'm really dreading is the rushing. joy school/Audrey's bday [party] is tomorrow before my appointment. after my appointment i have to run to therapy. if i go to walmart today than i won't have to tomorrow but prolly not gonna make it so i'll have to go tomorrow after Debra's. then friday my sweet friend Bonnie is coming over to prep me for the Temple. then we have to jump in the car and drive to georgetown [an hour away] to meet the stake president for our Temple reccomends. then SATURDAY! i'm getting nervous. i keep having bad thoughts, like doubting if this is the right thing to do... or am i sure i'm ready, and worthy.. what if i "bipolar out" and can't handle it? maybe i should wait until edward is older. i have three days to prep him for taking a bottle and being without me for a WHOLE day. yep, dropping them off at another Church family's home around 10 am and won't be back until at least 5:30pm. i'm so worried the family won't be able to get him to eat or sleep or stop screaming. and evelyn. she has never stayed with anyone other than family or audrey's parents, but audrey's parents are going with us.

God is Good

This past Thursday I found myself in every woman's nightmare. No, I wasn't naked in public or in my high school math class without my homework. I was about to nurse my 5 month old son when I felt a lump. I'd never noticed it before, and it was not just another milk duct, this was a "lump." Girls have been warned about this ever since that first health class back in 7th grade. I feared the worst possible scenerio EVER. I searched the internet with every wording I could think of, "lump in breast while lactating" "hard, painless lump in breast" The websites were helpful to give me some ideas of what it was NOT, but nothing concrete really. Friday I was told my family doctor could not see me until Monday. MONDAY! I had to sweat this all weekend!! I couldn't help but be miffed. I had the attitude of, "I bet if it was HER breast she would work things around to be checked out the same day." Despite the inconvenience, life went on. I held together fairly well, but was easily stressed and grouchy. So was Andrew, for that matter. Sunday was the best I could ask for. We both got our Temple reccomends and made plans with bishop to enter the Temple, for ourselves, this Saturday. He even called the Stake prresident to move up our interviews with him, otherwise they weren't going to happen until next week. Now we need to call and clear it with the Temple. Today it was closed. It's very, very sad when attendance is so low they must close the Temple down half the time. Tomorrow Andrew will be calling to set the appointment, so we are [still] praying things will work for this Saturday. So far so good though!
Today I was very nervous. More nervous than ever before. Going into the doctor's made me feel like I was in some Lifetime Network movie. The leading character was about to be told she has cancer and the rest of the movie follows her heroic "battle" to live.
Thankfully, it did NOT go that way. Yes, something is there. It is not my imagination, nor a clogged milk duct like many people told me. It's actually a good thing this has come to my attention, and I have not ignored it. I go on Thursday to get an ultrasound. I'd never heard of a breast ultrasound, but apparently mammagrams are worthless for women under 55 or some arbitrary age, so this is the next step. From what he could tell by just feeling, it is not cancerous, but could be a benign tumor that will need to be removed sooner or later. He believes it is fibrocystic related, and has nothing to do with nursing. So that's where we are at.