Dear Blog,

I want you to know you have been a great friend through everything. Always there when I needed to get my head together, or just listen to my excitement. You never told me to stop talking or interupted me. You're really great. I'm sorry I've neglected you, but we both knew this relationship wasn't exclusive. When we first started out I was young and naive. I thought I'd have time to write every week, and for a awhile, I did. I miss you, but it's unfair to leave you hanging like this. Now that Edward is only days away from being 6 months old he needs more interaction from me. I can't just keep him in his swing all day. He needs me more than you do, so this is why I'm breaking things off. Maybe sometime in the future we can start back up again, but for now there are many other things going on. Christmas is around the corner and I have to make decorations and ornaments to make this year special instead of being depressed all our old stuff was lost in the fire. I'm sure you understand, you always do.

Love,
Tiff

random complaints and thoughts [nothing important]

i think satan is trying to get to me. i feel like i have no energy what so ever. nothing has changed really. but edward has become soooo clingy! i can't even put him in his swing and him go to sleep anymore. that was my saving grace. i could put him in the swing and get things done. now... i'm lucky to get to eat. i usually sit at the computer and have to hold him too. right now he's fussing in his swing and i'm trying to ignore him so he'll get the idea he can't be with me alll the freakin time! it's hard to hear him cry though. but i know, eventually, he'll get so sleepy he won't be able to keep from sleeping. unless he works himself up so much he starts screaming.



i'm sooo very much dreading tomorrow. the very idea makes me want to go back to bed and hide under the covers. i'm still a little scared the dr misdiagnosed and the ultrasound will show cancer. but the part that i'm really dreading is the rushing. joy school/Audrey's bday [party] is tomorrow before my appointment. after my appointment i have to run to therapy. if i go to walmart today than i won't have to tomorrow but prolly not gonna make it so i'll have to go tomorrow after Debra's. then friday my sweet friend Bonnie is coming over to prep me for the Temple. then we have to jump in the car and drive to georgetown [an hour away] to meet the stake president for our Temple reccomends. then SATURDAY! i'm getting nervous. i keep having bad thoughts, like doubting if this is the right thing to do... or am i sure i'm ready, and worthy.. what if i "bipolar out" and can't handle it? maybe i should wait until edward is older. i have three days to prep him for taking a bottle and being without me for a WHOLE day. yep, dropping them off at another Church family's home around 10 am and won't be back until at least 5:30pm. i'm so worried the family won't be able to get him to eat or sleep or stop screaming. and evelyn. she has never stayed with anyone other than family or audrey's parents, but audrey's parents are going with us.

God is Good

This past Thursday I found myself in every woman's nightmare. No, I wasn't naked in public or in my high school math class without my homework. I was about to nurse my 5 month old son when I felt a lump. I'd never noticed it before, and it was not just another milk duct, this was a "lump." Girls have been warned about this ever since that first health class back in 7th grade. I feared the worst possible scenerio EVER. I searched the internet with every wording I could think of, "lump in breast while lactating" "hard, painless lump in breast" The websites were helpful to give me some ideas of what it was NOT, but nothing concrete really. Friday I was told my family doctor could not see me until Monday. MONDAY! I had to sweat this all weekend!! I couldn't help but be miffed. I had the attitude of, "I bet if it was HER breast she would work things around to be checked out the same day." Despite the inconvenience, life went on. I held together fairly well, but was easily stressed and grouchy. So was Andrew, for that matter. Sunday was the best I could ask for. We both got our Temple reccomends and made plans with bishop to enter the Temple, for ourselves, this Saturday. He even called the Stake prresident to move up our interviews with him, otherwise they weren't going to happen until next week. Now we need to call and clear it with the Temple. Today it was closed. It's very, very sad when attendance is so low they must close the Temple down half the time. Tomorrow Andrew will be calling to set the appointment, so we are [still] praying things will work for this Saturday. So far so good though!
Today I was very nervous. More nervous than ever before. Going into the doctor's made me feel like I was in some Lifetime Network movie. The leading character was about to be told she has cancer and the rest of the movie follows her heroic "battle" to live.
Thankfully, it did NOT go that way. Yes, something is there. It is not my imagination, nor a clogged milk duct like many people told me. It's actually a good thing this has come to my attention, and I have not ignored it. I go on Thursday to get an ultrasound. I'd never heard of a breast ultrasound, but apparently mammagrams are worthless for women under 55 or some arbitrary age, so this is the next step. From what he could tell by just feeling, it is not cancerous, but could be a benign tumor that will need to be removed sooner or later. He believes it is fibrocystic related, and has nothing to do with nursing. So that's where we are at.

Big Changes

Today was a Sunday to remember for Andrew and myself. The LDS church does several things different than any other church in the world, for one there is the Temple [I'll come back to that] and another is the Patriarchal Blessing. There are others, but these are what I'm focused on at the moment. A Patriarchal Blessing is what Andrew received today. If you are a worthy and active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and do NOT have yours, I challenge you to do what you must to get it. I got mine 6 months after I was baptized and it has played a very important role in my life. Going with Andrew this afternoon was an AWESOME blessing and I'm so happy things worked out that we had good friends to care for Evelyn during that time. Whether you are a member or not I can not share much of the experience due to the fact it is a very personal experience and can not be taken lightly. I just wanted to say that if you don't have yours you should learn all you can so that you may understand and receive it. It is priceless and, as far as I'm concerned, essential part of every church member's life.

Backing up in time a few hours now... today was our last of 7 Temple preparation classes. I will miss this sooo much!! Aside from the class being informative and deeply spiritual I loved having the chance to get to know our wonderful Bishop and his wife better. I'm very pleased and thankful for the Brother and Sister called at this time. Without their special spirits staying in tune with Heavenly Father's promptings it's likely we may not have strived to attend every class. During class today I felt very strongly impressed we should NOT wait until our fifth anniversary in Febuary to be Sealed as a family as we had decided. I was afraid I was getting my emotions confused with the Spirit until I told Andrew my feelings, and he said he got the SAME IMPRESSION! Heavenly Father is SOOO awesome! It was decided that we will be attending the Boston Temple just as soon as we can be interviewed and set the appointment. Praying things will all work together despite the usual opposition from the advisary at such critical events.

Also today I was asked to fulfill a calling!! It's not one I would have picked for myself at this time, seeing as it will take me away from Relief Society, however I trust in our Heavenly Father and know that he has way better plans for me than I could ever come up with for myself. =)


All this AND I've been pondering the idea of becoming more serious about my love of photography. I brought pictures to my therapist and she became very enthusiastic about a future career [very soon] for me. I've made a rough draft of a fliar showcasing my work and details to make plans. It's not really that I want to make money [though it would be really nice!] but I want to challenge myself and expand my range, WHILE giving friends and neighbors frame worthy pictures without the sticker shock. I HATED when we had pro shots of Evelyn for her second Christmas and only walked away with 25 Christmas cards 8 wallets and two 8x10s, with a MUCH lighter wallet. =( So I want to help people keep their memories even in this hard recession. Well, we shall see how the Lord wants me to go with my talent. He has given it to me for some purpose even if it's just to bring joy to myself and my loved ones.

Sightseeing, Birthday and the Temple Oh MY!

LOTS has been happening in our little home. The past week has been busy, busy, busy!! We had a great visit with Gramma Seavy and I'm so glad she got to come stay with us, but I'm ready to get back in our routine of things. All the FUN just wore me out!! I don't know how I kept going and going all that time.

First We went to Boston and bought tickets for the Freedom Trail Tour. The tour by it's self was 2 and a half miles, but we figure we walked about 5 because we weren't sure where to go and then did some sightseeing on our own.

I think it's fascinating to see how small the historic buildings look compared to our skyscrapers of today

Then we got to travel a little out of the way to see the Boston LDS Temple. The only temples I had seen before were Nashville, Memphis, and Seattle. Boston was the most impressive to me, maybe because we plan on getting sealed there!! However if Andrew gets out of the guard and hired somewhere else we may go anywhere from Seattle to St. Louis possibly even Portland, Oregon. I don't care where we are, as long as we become sealed as a family for all time and Eternity.

We went to Nubble lighthouse out at Cape Neddick and enjoyed the beautiful weather and God's hand crafted scenery on Evelyn's 3rd birthday.

Her party was wonderful! I'm very happy I reserved the party room at McDonald's and let them take care of just about everything. I know Evelyn had a great time and I'm pretty sure her friends did too.

My baby girl

Last night was rough so my brain isn't completely awake yet, but i wanted to jot these things down before i forget them in my "mommy haze"

evey sings Jesus wants me for a SunBEEP! those that don't know, it's supposed to be sunBEAM!! It's sooo funny! i'm going to try to get it on tape , er... dvd... anyway, i'm going to make a movie of it when ican get her to do it on camera.

evey crawled in bed with me and bug this morning and went back to sleep. about 9 i woke up and my moving woke her up, but i wasn't ready to get UP yet so we both just laid there edward between us. i wasn't facing her and my eyes were closed but i heard her start saying, Ohh, he's soo sute [cute] when i looked she was ever so gently rubbing his cheek and i could see her face was beaming with love for her baby brother. yeah, she's done this before but i usually tell her stop don't wake him up! but this morning i was so touched at her emotion i let her do it. besides, what better way to wake up than your big sister loving you. =)

also, evey will be starting joy school on thursday. audrey's mother came to me with the idea for our girls and a few others to include some basic preschool like lessons in with snacks and playtime once a week. her mother has given her some lesson plans. we will be alternating at each others houses, who brings snack, who teaches. this seems like an answer to a prayer. evey needs social interaction more than just nursery at church, but a preschool we were looking into won't take her cuz she's not potty trained, and anything else would cost.. a lot. plus i get to meet and interact with the other moms. the only one left out is edward, but he's too little to be offended, lol.

Goodbye and Good Luck

Elder Henderson, you will be missed. Your sweet Spirit has blessed our home many times. You have been a blessing to our family in many ways. We've laughed, we've prayed, we've learned and Evelyn even colored with you. Good luck in your next area! Heavenly Father has decided it's time to bless more people with your personality.