Fearsome Fours

Of course I looooooooooooove my daughter. She's my firstborn, my mini-me, my sunshine, and the list can go on all day. She was always a bit difficult to deal with sometimes, but I thought that was all magnified because of my depression. Honestly, lately, I've wanted to strangle her. I TRY to pick my battles, not sweat the small stuff, and reward good behavior while ignoring the bad. It's not getting IT. I've always known she was a 'strong-willed' child, but lately, I've been terrified it's more than that. She's actively defiant. Last night was just one of MANY typical battles. Keep in mind, this isn't just over bedtime, this can be over anything, from; drinking water instead milk, asking her what she's hungry for, helping with chores, ANYTHING. The problem isn't the typical her screaming "No! I. don't. want to!" [though that does upset me so much my eye has developed a twitch whenever she says it.] After the 'normal' verbal dance of her stating -no, never, i don't want to.. and my consistent attitude of, this is the way it is, so you need to just do what i'm telling you to do. It turns into my threatening and carrying out the threats. First threat is losing toys. If she won't stop being loud and yelling no, etc. I tell her which toy she's about to lose, then she screams no you're not. Even though it's been several days of proving to her over and over I WILL, I CAN, and I DO. Even after taking 2 -14+ of her favorite toys away to the closet until she acts better, she will STILL stand and tell me NO. She will still insist that I won't/can't punish her. The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, well, by that standard, she is insane!
I can understand her God given right and need to exercise her free agency. I can, and do, give her choices throughout the day. She usually turns those into a battle of some sort too.
Andrew going back to work has made the encounters feel even more overwhelming and exhausting. I CAN'T let her run the house, I refuse. She's spoiled enough as it is. I HATE spanking, but when she won't go to her room or stay in her room, so I can have a TIME OUT, it usually degrades to that. There are times I want to seriously run away. When I'm in the bathroom, she's knocking at the door. When I'm trying to rest, she's sitting or crawling on me. I'm trying to cook/clean, she's there telling me HOW to do it! Monday afternoon when Andrew came in from work, I took off to the library. Driving in the car I thought about the consequences of just keep on driving... not coming back for a while... or ever. After near two hours at the library in PEACE, I reluctantly came home... I was hungry.